“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
I am waving the WHITE FLAG… Today, at 38 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I am far from feeling deep peace. I am not trusting and I am driving myself crazy!!! I want to control EVERYTHING. I want to make sure the house is clean, the laundry is all washed and my hair is done… I want this BABY to come NOW – on my watch, on my time schedule. I am trying all the induction tricks in hopes I can FORCE and WILL my body into labor – yet, nothing has worked… Big surprise..
I tell myself, just keep “trying”, it’s fun to try to control the outcome.. But truly I feel frantic and scared. I have let doubt fill my mind, and worry to take over my thoughts. I feel overwhelmed by what I don’t know, such as – I don’t know how my labor will go, or how my postpartum recovery will be or how my family will adjust to having a new member. I just DON’T KNOW – and I have been DESPERATELY trying to control in order to create a sense of peace for myself.
But its not real peace. It is not lasting peace and the more I try to control the more I seem to feel out of control…
Today, I was thinking about this blog – The Art of Surrender. God had placed surrender on my heart a couple years back – It was him who inspired me to share my journey of learning to live from a place of surrender. And it funny – because my flesh loves to control. I have learned the power of surrender, over and over-again – but I am human, and I still fall back to my old patterns of – controling, striving, forcing and manipulating…
Then I was thinking of my mission statement – She will BLOOM. God had given me this beautiful vision as a reminder – that all things have a designated season, there is a time for everything, and you can not rush or force a flower to bloom. In its designed time it comes to full bloom.
And yet… I still wish I could force my body to be ripe and ready to birth this child – when I want him… Oh how human I am…
I know the truth. It’s there, quietly reminding me to be still – but the chatter in my mind rings louder. It tells me – DO this, Do that, You have to, You need to, it has to get DONE NOW!!!!!
So what do I do?…After I’m exhausted from controlling and trying to force my own plans???
I wave the WHITE FLAG of SURRENDER…
I cry out to GOD and ask him to save me -from MYSELF…
Lord HELP ME! Help me to get out of my head and get back to seeking your heart.
Lord forgive me for doubting your plan, your time and your destiny for my life… May I be reminded that you know best and that your plans are full of hope.
Lord, help me to quiet my mind, and be still in your presence. Bring me back to peace Jesus. Let me soak in your presence and be renewed.
And so it is….
I know that controlling is addicting… But surrendering is liberating. I want to be liberated, I want to be free to enjoy each day as it comes. I want to trust again, I want have peace knowing all is well and happening In His perfect timing… I want my joy back.
So for now, I will stay in a posture of surrender. Knowing, all is well. Knowing that the less I try to do, the more He can do in me… Just like a flower does not try to bloom, it just IS and BECOMES what it was meant to be in season. So I will just BE and ALLOW myself to BECOME.
May we all feel peace as we bloom in his perfect time.