I was looking through my old photos recently and found this beauty! It’s amazing how a picture can instantly take you right back to a moment in time. When I saw this photo, I remembered exactly how I felt and what I was thinking. Although I was smiling, and seem put together, that was not the case of my inner world.
This photo was taken during a season when I was fighting for my life. I was fighting for a life I felt deserved… a life of freedom, joy, and peace. I was head deep in depression and fighting off anxious thoughts all day long. I rarely felt peace, I didn’t remember what joy felt like and I was barely surviving each day. My inner world felt like my own personal hell, and all I wanted was to taste heaven.
Amidst my struggle, I came up with the idea to have a queen day. What is a queen day? Queen day was a novel idea, I thought if I could spend a day doing my favorites things, it would somehow shake off my heaviness and transform my inner world…
I remember sitting at the lunch table with my sister and daughter, holding back tears. The weight of depression had followed me on queen day, and the anxiety barged in and loudly joined our table. I remember doing my best to push through and make the best of the lunch and pedicure, but my heart was heavy. I was desperate for a breakthrough. I needed relief and I knew one queen day wasn’t the solution…
I eventually had a breakthrough and another and another! As I sit on the other side now, I am aware that a breakthrough is not a moment, but rather it is a process. Its a process of doing “the work”, believing in the unseen and trusting that freedom is coming. For months, I prayed and trusted that my breakthrough would come. I held on tight to the idea of freedom even when depression kept showing up. Yet, I knew I was better off believing for a breakthrough, rather than settling for reality I was living in.
I know I am not this girl anymore, however, I appreciate that season of my life. It was those years of battling and wrestling with myself that I found the courage to become the woman I am today. I am who I am today because I never gave up! I kept choosing to believe I could be free from my past, shame, guilt, depression, anxiety, self-doubt, fear and, insecurity. I believed I could have a life that I thrived in, rather than just survived. I believed God could use those dark moments in my life to eventually shed light on someone else’s life.
If you are desperate for your own breakthrough right now, I see you. I believe your breakthrough is possible and that God wants you FREE!!!! I know in time if you keep believing and trusting God, He will reveal His plan to you for this season of your life. I hope you remember this is only a season, and seasons change. Lean into your process and know that spring always comes after winter.
I am believing for your breakthrough sister! Hope you cheer me on also 🙂
Much love, Sarah